Tomorrow Henry turns four. FOUR. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed.
I am really struggling today. Tomorrow is the first "event" I've had to go through without you. I've planned just a small party- but it's still plenty of organizing and baking that I need to do, and to be honest, I'm having a hard time putting my whole heart in to it.
I am hurting terribly thinking of how much Henry adores you and how his memories of you are soon going to start to fade. He talks about you, and he knows you are dead, but I don't know that he really understands it yet. He asked me yesterday when we were in the spare bedroom if we were getting it ready for Granny to come and visit. We actually have many moments like this, and they are sad, but not devastating. I like that you are still close in his mind.
Well-intentioned people will tell me that "it's okay, you will keep your mom's memory alive through your stories", and yes, of course we will do that, but these words are not comforting to me.
I want to scream, "IT'S NOT THE SAME". It's not the same, and it never will be. You will never have a living, breathing relationship with Henry ever again, and that hurts me. I know it hurts you, too. I can feel it and I will carry that with me forever.
Mom, today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life I hold you close to my heart and I will miss you every second of every day.